Cris Abrego, the Spielberg of C-Listers

Pictured Left: Cris Abrego

We’re all familiar by now with Mark Cronin of Howard Stern Show staff-fame, but what about Cris Abrego. Cris Abrego has quietly become the Stephen Spielberg of the Celebrity C-list. What do I mean by that? I mean he is the new king of reality tv, (IMHO), dethroning Mark Brunette. Almost any reality tv show these days on VH1 and MTV, is executive produced by Cris Abrego and his production company (unoriginally and egotistically titled: Cris Abrego Productions). However, when it comes to Cris’ reality shows, ego is set aside and originality comes to the table. He’s the force behind such Viacom staples as: I Love New York, From G’s To Gents, The Surreal Life, Flavor of Love, My Fair Brady, Rock of Love, and Making the Band.

Cris Abrego is basically Stephen Spielberg, but instead of getting a star at their Red Giant stage, the celebrities he gets are white dwarfs (I never thought I’d be referring to Flavor Flav as a white dwarf). He takes their career trajectories which might be nearing a black hole, and injecting some Supergiant in them, or in Tiffany/New York’s instance, supergiant jugs.

Now let’s back up. Who’s the true originator of “reality television?” Not Cris Abrego, Not Mark Brunette, Not Mark Cronin, but close, Mark Cronin’s former boss: Howard Stern. There would be no Flavor of Love w/o Howard Stern regularly having Flavor Flav on his show & promoting him, when no one else on radio or tv was doing it. Howard’s E!TV show, Howard’s Channel 9 Show… those are the Comic Book Issue #1’s of reality TV. Now back to Cris — he deserves a ton of credit and I am sure his home in the Hollywood Hills shows for all of his success. Let’s put it this way, your little daughter wouldn’t be as fucked up in the head without the likes of Cris [and reality tv]. Actually, nevermind - I take that back. I am mixing up Cris with the assholes that produced “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills”:

The good reality show would be seeing how those douchebags sleep at night (Except Tony DiSanto - he’s cool).

Now Imma go be Cris’ Shia Labeouf, and put my hand into a blender, and count the years for when I get to co-star with a 40 year old haggard-cougar alcoholic version of Megan Fox.

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Diddy Doesn’t Know Funny, Nor Do I Want To Work For Diddy

P.Diddy is forced to fly American Airlines because the gas prices are too high for him to fuel up his private jet.

Aka here Diddy shows that he will go to great lengths in douchery to try and be viral video classic.

WAHHHHHHHHH, I can’t afford my private jet, wahhhh!

And while we’re ribbing Diddy (no homo), his new Apprentice spin-off show on VH1, “I Want To Work For Diddy”, fucking irks me (I’ve tried watching twice now). Sure, I’m friends with the director, so I’ve been quiet on my criticisms of the show, but let me just say, there are two major flaws in the show (free advice, Mark - since you’ve yet to hire me as a producer on the show).
#1) AGITA. At the end of the day, do you really want to sit down, throw on Vh1 and watch this reality show with pure AGITATION? The whole show is pretty much a cluster-fuck which works if there are comedic moments and undertones (the tranny was only funny for the first 5 minutes), but it’s 60 mins of pure annoyance and agita. I have that eight hours a day at work, why would I want to sit down and watch more headaches?

Flaw #2) (Which I think they’ll be fixing in next week’s episode, but it’s a major flaw because it’s taken 4 long weeks into the series to fix it). PUFFY. Now Puffy isn’t the flaw, the LACK OF PUFFY is the flaw. The few episodes I saw, there was no interaction between the contestants (vie’n to be Puff’s assistant), and P.Diddy himself. In the premier episode for example, they just show some Puffy ‘packages’/pre-recorded clips. The only thing that makes the faggotry that is Making the Band any good, is when Puffy busts balls and ribs the kids on the show. The lack of a Puffy in-person presence takes away from the point of any Puffy Reality show. It’s like having a reality show with Flavor Flav, and he didn’t have a clock, or gold fronts, or horns on, or bitches around. In the preview for next week’s episode however, they do tease that the contestants that remain, finally get face to face with Puff. Finally, I’ll be more interested and (hopefully) entertained, compared to the constant exacerbated ‘agita’ that I feel watching the show thus far.

The best reality show on tv these days — I have to give it up to MTV’s From G’s To Gents. It has me hooked. Oh, well …as far as the Puffy show it won’t be the last. When I talked to a marketing guy at HowardTV InDemand, he told me Puff is soooo in bed with Viacom these days, as he’s been exec. producer on a bunch of shows (Run’s House, etc), and that backend DVD money has been $$$-flow’n for Puff. And lastly, here’s a behind the scenes picture (from my director buddy) of Puffy during the shoot — you know, from back when Puffy could afford to fly private and all, instead of with us heathens.

Behind the scenes ‘At I Want To Work For Diddy‘
$

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A Shot At Love 3: No One On The Corner Has Swagger Like Us

Read the comment^^^

A Shot At Love [3] is back, minus Tila Tequila. Maybe this season, they’ll actually have a bachelorette with a personality. After two seasons the only thing I learned from that show is just because you’re “bi”, it doesn’t mean that you’re exempt from having the personality of a wall.

Anyways, here’s your chance to make a fool of yourself:

Remember kids, leave all humility, class, and talent at the gates of pearly reality tv.

I will say this though, if you compare Paris Hilton’s latest blog post, and Tila’s latest post, I think one would want to strangle Paris more. There are some commonalities though, they’re both going on and on and about how “happy” they are currently:

Tila: I finally deserve to tear away from all of that and have happiness within myself. I haven’t been this happy for SUCH a long time and this is how I know I am on the right path. I will not allow media people to try to ambush my life with their “gossip” and once again mess up what I have and the relationships that I am in.

Paris: My favorite part of the summer has been the time I’ve gotten to spend on tour with my love Benj :) We always have the best time together and he’s played some shows in some pretty rad places: Orlando for example, so we got to go to Disney World, which is always a blast! He’s such an amazing boyfriend and so talented too…I love watching him perform on stage, so hot! :) Loves it!

the future projects they have going on:

Tila: I try to just focus on having fun(because I am pretty good at it) , and my new BOOK, ALBUM, and TV SHOW in the works this year…..

Paris: I’m so excited to announce that I’ve wrapped taping of “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.” I’ve been LOVING every moment in the editing room, and am sitting there literally in tears, every day, laughing so hard at all the priceless moments from the footage. Also I’m thinking that a lot of the crazier scenes might just end up on the DVD….there is so much footage and even though some will be edited out as all shows must do, I want you to be able to see it and laugh as much as I have been! ;)

and Paris goes the extra mile by saying, “loves it!” every two seconds:

Barf. Does LV make barfbags?

P.s.

Though, Paris wins - she uses the word “love” 8 times, to Tila’s 11 times!

Photo Ctsy MTV/Sam Comen: Paris Hilton’s My New BFF premieres at 10pm on Tuesday, September 30th on MTV. Tune in, its gonna be hot :) Loves it!

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The Prowler

high school athletes
So I had a free moment in my day and what popped into my head?

Well Howard [Stern] and the gang were talking about DMX and played the below song, hailing it. It reminded me of something that was funny imho. In my high school newspaper (this is like 9-10 years ago), they had a student athlete profile. Basically they profiled this chick and when they asked her what her favorite song was she said It’s All Good by DMX [audio below]. Now, if you’re a chick and you say that’s your favorite song … isn’t that like saying you’re the high school whore?/skank!? :P

Oh yeah, It’s all good, I forgot already. It’s also weird going back to my high school website and it’s all a fancy, regularly updated website. I remember when it was pretty much a plain-ass white page with the logo, with a shitty-ass guestbook, where alumnus would leave their loser contact information (pre-myspace, folks). Oh by the way, yeah I went to high school with Victor, err I mean Wale. Oh well, at least my elementary school’s webpage still looks like shit, that’s reassuring. And at my ele school, they converted the outdoor basketball court into an aux parking lot since it was inviting the wrong element - the same element that helped me become shab00ty.

It’s all good - DMX

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Mr. Greengenes: Good, Bad, Or Annoying?

mr greengenes
Mr. MO F-ing Greengenes (you can already see where this is going right?). So Mr. Greengenes is this cover band that is incessant in the Washington D.C. Area (note incessant and the negative connotation with the word). Are they a ‘bad’ band? No. Are they a good band? Um, since when did cover bands that do rock covers of Rhianna - Umbrella equate to good - so No. Are they annoying? Yes. Now annoying how - you must wonder? We just might have to laundry list this one, folks:

They cover Linkin Park (this would have been cool in 2004)
They cover Rhianna (”rock” versions)
They’re polarizing (I think they suck and the next broad next to me likes them).
Every friggin’ time I end up going to Arlington, Virginia - these guys happen to be the band that night - and where does it annoy me? The hefty cover charge for a cover band! $10 bucks to see these guys? When seeing someone (original), like Aesop Rock or El-P might only be $20. Wtf.
I love how cover bands actually get groupies! What are those called… cover-groupies aka cover-bandaids?

So, while they may be ‘good’ on some level - I’d much rather spend $4 to get into a place vs. $8, and they NOT be there. I know right now I must sound like an emo jaded version of Meg Griffin (SIRIUS Satellite Radio - see bottom) - but you don’t see pictures of me blogging in blackface, do ya?

Here’s my suggestion for a good name for a cover band:

University of Phoenix

Oh well, at least they’re not as creepy as the U2 cover band I saw once in Silver Spring, MD. I was pretty sure the ‘Bono’ character loved to …*insert vile criminal act involving farm-help here*.

Btw, if you didn’t get the Meg Griffin reference here’s some light on it:
*snippet* Howard [Stern] moved on to talk about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame stuff they were talking about yesterday. He said that they were talking about Leonard Cohen yesterday and that led to them getting a lot of e-mail from his fans. He said that Meg Griffin, the DJ Howard used to work with, was beside herself when she heard about him goofing on the guy.

Howard said that he doesn’t care nearly as much about music as Meg does. She’s always wanted to play her own music picks for people while Howard says he could play anything they threw at him. He said that he just wanted to talk on the radio, he didn’t care what kind of music he had to play.

Howard said he heard that Meg was beside herself about the whole thing. Doug said that he doesn’t know him that well but he has heard some of his songs covered by other bands and they’re usually much better than the originals.

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Time To Make Fun of People On Facebook!

Let’s play a game… I’ll pull up the first 10 random facebook friends of mine, post their pics…and caption them aka make fun of their dumb existences!
[This is a pastime... try it, it's better than watching water polo on nbc].

1)

When you only have two more years of being hot before you hit the wall — why not sprawl yourself across a pool table for a picture.

2)

Please please no dog meat for dinner tonight!

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El-P, Turning Off His Interwebs?

Famed CEO of The R.O.C. DJX, EL-P says on his blog, he’s trying to beat his internet addiction. He’s taking all of the fun programs (chat programs like aim, adium, ichat) - fun programs aka p0rn, off his computer, and putting them on a thumb-drive and putting away the thumb-drive in a drawer. He has replaced his TV and his video games with a turntable and a book shelf. At this point, being a television in El-P’s house is like being broccoli rob in Artie Lange’s Jersey shorehouse.

Anyways, you try spinning records with a monkey on your back - it’s not easy.

Here’s what EL said:

day 1:

ok you glowing bitch… your time has come. of the day
i have decided to get rid of my television. my giant flat screen television. i am replacing it with a turntable. no more cable. no more news. no more xbox. no more playstation. no, no, no.

wish me luck. i’m scared.

day 2:

ok you glowing bitch… part 2. of the day
this is an experiment in humanity. i have replaced my television with a record shelf and a turntable. i have canceled my digital cable. i have put away the gaming systems. i have placed my bookshelf as the centerpiece of the living room. all that is great and all but there is one last thing tugging at my existence. one last demanding, harrowing little devil that desperately wants to keep me engaged in a sedentary lifestyle…

that’s right. you guessed it. the internet.

READ THE REST>>

and here’s what I commented:

u got rid of adium too?!?
nooo, that little voice you’re hearing is the adium duck. it’s not quack quacking at you. it’s quisper quispering to you.

you can’t go cold turkey when there is warm gravy - my friend.
(no homo).

you can’t start a diet and say i’ll lose 5 lbs the first day by chopping off my leg. an arm’s okay though. ’cause at least you’ll still be able to stand on the scale.

$

i have no idea wtf i just said. maybe you don’t need the interwebs.
(:

El-P loves me, btw. Right under his usb drawer, is his Shabooty/annoying fucks drawer. Right below that drawer is the body of his road manager.

So anyways, Emo-bitches out there… this is a call to plz cybersex0r El-P, so he can’t put the interwebs away!!! Thank you. We need him back on the dark side - where the only thing bright in life is toilet paper.

(Btw, it’s Monday morning, I’m allowed to Christopher Reid, and Kiddd).

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Cheesecake Factory’s $1.50 Hustle

cheesecake
Rule #1 of Shabooty-club… don’t hustle me. or IF you hustle me, don’t let me realize, or otherwise realize the impending wrath.

The following is the text message rant I sent to my friend (+added details for this blog), so that I didn’t kill the snarky azn guy working at CCF (you know, think of napoleon complex but - IN THE PANTS). Commence rant.

Omg, Cheesecake fagtory is retarded. I stand in a long line for 15 minutes for my $1.50 special (30th anniversary) slice of cheesecake. I get to the register finally and they say, “Oh Sorryyyyy, if you wanted to order at this convenient to-go register (right where there’s the huge standee/sign that is advertising the $1.50 slices), you can, but it would be at the REGULAR PRICE aka 8-9 bux a slice, if you want the $1.50 slice, you can’t order from here sorry, you can dine in though, the special is for folks eating in.”
I say, “oh okay, fine” FUCK YOU DIE SLOW (the FUDS was intrapersonal to myself), “I’ll just go order one at the fucking BAR. Oh, and you might wanna tell the rest of these soon to feel like assholes also waiting in line, behind me.”
Now, I get to the bar and gotta deal with a dumb azn bartender who’s up to his neck in shit…(mainly cause he was a shortshit and cause he was a douche who helped further extend my douche-chills… soo douchey, I felt compelled to actually leave that cocksucker a … get this, a 66% tip). Anyways, I get my cheesecake (no where at the bar to sit OBVS), and am standing up, eating it…I get through half of it, get a doggie bag from another waiter (didn’t wanna deal with the douchey bartender), pay my “bar tab” and split.
I couldn’t get home to share this bullshit fast enough. WTF. FUCK CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

And another point of Cheesecake Factory’s cheesiness: It’s a fancy restaurant yet, their fucking menus have ADVERTISEMENTS in ‘em…how tacky. When I am hungry I don’t wanna look at an ad for Christian Dior. Sigh.

Note: if this wasn’t my first public appearance rocking my BLACK-OUT Hyperdunk shoes, I woulda prolly been even MORE pissed. At least I was styling amid a big bunch of bullshit. So remember kids, every thirty years, you just might be able to pay Cheesecake Factory $1.50 for one special slice of cheesecake and a special buffet of DOUCHE-CHILLS!

P.s.

O well, I’m on a diet, btw.

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Dan Forden Helps Me Sleep At Night

I officially had the most random frigging ‘fooding’ experience. I go to the bar and have one beer. We next stroll across to the diner like 8 deep, when 4 of the people I had no clue who they were. It’s always interesting when drunk folks are walking together and one person from one group is hollaring at another person from the other group, next thing you know, it has congealed, and you’re walking into the diner with a party of nine, six of which are strangers -which is hardly a party. Err, well when it’s a sausage fest at least. Here was what I had at the diner in a [failed] attempt to trick myself into having a “light” meal.

a) fruit cup
b) vanilla milkshake
c) grits

…

Yes, you read right. Grits. I’ve earned my “hood” stripes long ago, and it shows –though I have to admit, there’s not much gangsta about having to drench your grits in butter to be able to take it ‘down’ [the hatch]. Anyways, there’s nothing nastier than going from the yummy sweetness of a milkshake to the random-ass indescribable taste of grits. This one chick across from me at the other table goes, “hey, is that milkshake any good?” And I reply, “yeah def, it’s good.” And of course, her friend across her table goes, “Well - My milkshake, . .. .it’s better than yours, Damn right it’s better than yours, I can teach you, But I have to charge…” Goddammit! I ask the first girl, not humored, “was that a set-up [question]?” Sigh. You know what they say though, “if ya eat gritz, yo peniz is large, damn right it’s bigger than yours.” Nullus homo.

Since it’s 2 AM, I am allowed to ask the worldliest of questions. Someone help me explain this. It’s a craigslist personals ad that is titled, “If Herpes Doesn’t Matter… [I may be a cool African-American woman for you to meet:) ]“ Plz tell me that’s a goof. In case this is a goof and it gets taken down, here’s a screenshot. Yet further proof that D.C. needs to be incinerated, or in cuter mortal kombat terms: TOASTY! Cue the youtube videos:

Mortal Kombat II Scorpion (Toasty) Fatality

Scorpion MK4 TOASTY!!

Dan Forden is the man… If you’re a newb and don’t understand the reference, during Mortal Kombat I - III, Dan Forden took a sprite photo of himself and shouts “Toasty” whenever Scorpion executes his fatality/finishing move. I want to roast marshmallows with him.

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Real World Hollywood [Before and] Afterthoughts

MTV’s Real World Hollywood (Season 20) concluded this week, so I figured I would go back and consider my first-impressions of the cast based on episode one, and compare it to how I feel about those same people, at the end of the full season. I am curious to see how accurate I was in terms of judging their character. The original post is here, where I basically trash em all [after one episode].

The blockquotes are the initial thoughts, followed by what I think of them, present day.

[Greg] The pretty boy guy was in a shtick-coma, yet didn’t have any comedic whit to pull it off, so he just looked like a gay buffoon.

I would say that was a fairly accurate statement. Buffoonery is when you’re kicked off the show because you refuse to go to your realworld ‘job’. Dum dum.

[Brianna] The stripper chick ….uhh she reminds me of, who’s that albino rapper? Yeah her name should be Sister Ali. That bitch looked almost see-thru, or like predator fell into a giant vat of concealer.

Lol, yep she’s the stripper chick, but she was def proven to be kewl peoples. Cept for the fact that she’s crazy, but that’s a good thing.

[Joey] The one buff steroid head from Chicago was a Brad-rehash. He officially made Chanel earrings jump the shark.

Actually I take that back. Joey’s mad cool, and Brad f

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Cris Abrego, the Spielberg of C-Listers

Diddy Doesn’t Know Funny, Nor Do I Want To Work For Diddy

A Shot At Love 3: No One On The Corner Has Swagger Like Us

The Prowler

Mr. Greengenes: Good, Bad, Or Annoying?

University of Phoenix

Time To Make Fun of People On Facebook!

El-P, Turning Off His Interwebs?

Cheesecake Factory’s $1.50 Hustle

Dan Forden Helps Me Sleep At Night

Real World Hollywood [Before and] Afterthoughts

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