The day I met David Spade, my favorite comedian since I was 16 years old, I was actually pretty nervous. I knew it would be a quick “hi!,” autograph, pic, and “see ya later!” It wasn’t though. For some odd reason he asked me to meet him at a bar in the next half hour. I was with a friend of mine & we weren’t quite sure what bar he was referring to and just decided to go to a different one instead. We just chatted about how funny the show was and then were calling it a night. Surprisingly, we ended up running in to the guys, and I ended up in Spade’s room. Which is probably ritual for him. He didn’t waste any time pushing me back into a wall and kissing me. I’m not going to lie, I was pretty intimidated. I did NOT think this was how my night would end. Nonetheless, I went with it. We fucked and let me be the first to say…that dick is not the size everyone thinks it is. It’s not small, but it is most definitely not what I’ve been reading in the gossip magazines. Let’s set that shit straight first. Eventually, when he had his first orgasm I had ever witnessed….I almost laughed because I thought it was a joke. I mean, he is a comedian, maybe he throws laughs in during sex? I decided not to laugh with the small thought in my brain that this was an actual fucking spastic orgasm…and it was. I remember thinking, “I can’t wait to see if he does that every time…” but wasn’t expecting to ever see him again. It was late and he didn’t really seem to want my presence for the entire night, so I scurried on and got dressed and called my friend to meet me outside the room. We spoke a few minutes, and he gave me his cell number and took mine. He also invited us to eat breakfast with them the next morning. I’m like…fuck yes! That’s awesome.
After we all flew back to our home states I never planned on hearing from David Spade ever again. It was 3 days after returning home that he texted me, and I was in complete shock. I texted back and that’s how our friendship, or so I thought, began. I flew out to see him every couple months or so for the next 3 years, I met his friends, brother, as well as many, many other comedians. We got along really well and were both pretty wild in bed, so it was always a fun time. Plus, that dude can keep a girl laughing her ass off…..which is OBVIOUSLY the reason he gets so much tail because the size thing, as I stated before, is not it. I also have a slight suspicion that the spastic orgasms he had EVERY SINGLE TIME were also not what had girls coming back.
Now, let me say this before I go any further. David had always been very good to me. I never really asked him for anything because my intentions were never to use him. They were to carry on this friendship we had formed and don’t get me wrong….spending time with him was always a blast, and I got to do some things I probably would’ve never gotten to do if it weren’t for him.
It wasn’t until recently that I have realized that this man does not give a shit about women. This is why he is single. I mean….what man doesn’t want to have several hot girls on call to fuck at their discretion, right? I guess I don’t really blame him for that…that’s LA, really. However, this man is nearly 50 years old and expecting to treat women like dirt. Excuse me, didn’t your show just get canceled AND you are doing some lame ass commercial that should have subtitles reading “This is the last step in my career.” Or so I’ve heard.
Anyway, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. You’re probably wondering why all of a sudden I am angry with this man. Well, here it is…
Over the years I noticed more and more David’s sexual desires. He held back for so long until I had to practically pry out of him what he really wanted. I started to figure out what he reaaaaaally liked, and I’m a freaky girl in bed, so acting these things out was never really an issue for me. We talked about boundaries and whatnot, but I quickly realized he didn’t want ANY boundaries. So, I agree. However, now I see him having a very hard time in the future finding another girl to let him do the things I let him do. I won’t get into detail….but seriously, good luck.
Recently, I was invited to an outing with him and his friends since we are were in the same area at the time for once. I agree to go, but insist on bringing my friend considering I had been working so much I hadn’t spent any time with my best friend, Jamie. He acted so snotty about the fact that I wanted to bring someone in his almighty presence. Helloooooo….I’m constantly meeting your friends and lots of them are douchebags. One in particular I thought was super lame was Todd Glass. His complete standup was about shit and he was totally offended when I never laughed at his jokes. Hey Todd, here’s an idea….be funny. It’s pretty simple. When you’re joking with me about how I can finally order the lobster because I’m at dinner with celeb….that shit wasn’t funny…it was offensive. And I’ll order lobster anytime I want! This dude obviously doesn’t know me. I considered ordering two lobsters: one to eat and the other to slap him in his stupid ass face. Nonetheless, I was pretty aggravated that it was an issue bringing Jamie, so I was like well, okay we won’t go it’s fine. He then realizes he might lose this sex pot or something and gave in. Dinner was great, and everyone LOVED my friend. Everyone except David who later called Jamie a “fucked up kid.” Okay now….this is my best friend. I don’t care who you are….you don’t say mean things about my friends. So, I’m annoyed and order another shot of liquor and down it with a quickness. Then, after dinner we rush back to the hotel. I’m not feeling too well from the liquor, i’m a small girl, so I laid down on the sofa in David’s enormous suite. He rubbed my back for about 15 seconds and walked off doing something. My friend went outside to pack a bowl, so I could smoke to feel better before going home. David, not giving a fuck that I’m sick, out of nowhere says, “Alright. Get up. Time to go.” I couldn’t believe it. I’m too sick to fuck you, so you kick me out. Maybe it’s the southern belle in me, but fuck I was flabberghasted. This guy was supposed to be my friend. He just made it very clear that day that he didn’t care about anything other than the golden goodness between my legs. And to be honest, I’m the dumb one for not knowing that. However, he’s very good at making a girl think he actually cares…when in reality he didn’t give a shit that I was drunk, sick, and there is a zero tolerance for drinking and driving here. He had this big suite where I could lay on a couch for a bit to feel better and sober up and he kicked me out to drive myself home this way all because he knew he wasn’t getting any pussy. Well, he definitely won’t be getting anymore of this, and he will more than likely die alone a bitter old man who lived his life degrading women not only on television, but in life as well….especially sexually. He will never want you for you, just the gate that opens the path to the hilarious orgasm that I’ll never be able to burn out of my brain. But fuck it’s funny.
Editor’s note: Isn’t Todd Glass gay? Of course he’d be mean to a hot chick, ’cause he has no use for them like David does. Just saying.