F-Ing Thunderstorm Woke My Crusty Ass Up

Is it just me or has the special effects/costuming quality in pornos these days skyrocketed in quality? NSFW.

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Bert & Ernie tries Gangsta-Rap

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Yes, the new wordpress iphone application is out. I did a draft post last night with it. It works pretty good. I look forward to mobile blog at concerts on the fly (granted I have a signal). Check it out.

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I dedicate this:

Samuel L. Jackson - baltimore club mix

To Khia “DJ K-Swift” Edgerton…RIP.

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Check out this:
A.P.T. Song - Obama Obama (Lil Wayne “A Milli” Remake)

The only thing it’s lacking is more cowbell.

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Here’s Jack:

No Brian! Those Chicken Wings Are Really Spicy, Don’t Eat Those (YTMND)

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The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Awwww. They care! (Sarcasm Sandwich)

That above is attributable to one of my favorite authors -but I won’t say who (but thanks for replying to my email, unsaid author).

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Lastly…fu*k thunderstorms.

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Permalink Posted in: hiphop, humor, kobe, los angeles, max barry, music, myspace, nsfw, odds and ends, video, youtube Comments(0) July 23, 2008

Dan Forden Helps Me Sleep At Night

I officially had the most random frigging ‘fooding’ experience. I go to the bar and have one beer. We next stroll across to the diner like 8 deep, when 4 of the people I had no clue who they were. It’s always interesting when drunk folks are walking together and one person from one group is hollaring at another person from the other group, next thing you know, it has congealed, and you’re walking into the diner with a party of nine, six of which are strangers -which is hardly a party. Err, well when it’s a sausage fest at least. Here was what I had at the diner in a [failed] attempt to trick myself into having a “light” meal.

• a) fruit cup
• b) vanilla milkshake
• c) grits

…

Yes, you read right. Grits. I’ve earned my “hood” stripes long ago, and it shows –though I have to admit, there’s not much gangsta about having to drench your grits in butter  to be able to take it ‘down’ [the hatch]. Anyways, there’s nothing nastier than going from the yummy sweetness of a milkshake to the random-ass indescribable taste of grits. This one chick across from me at the other table goes, “hey, is that milkshake any good?” And I reply, “yeah def, it’s good.” And of course, her friend across her table goes, “Well - My milkshake, . .. .it’s better than yours, Damn right it’s better than yours, I can teach you, But I have to charge…” Goddammit! I ask the first girl, not humored, “was that a set-up [question]?” Sigh. You know what they say though, “if ya eat gritz, yo peniz is large, damn right it’s bigger than yours.” Nullus homo.

Since it’s 2 AM, I am allowed to ask the worldliest of questions. Someone help me explain this. It’s a craigslist personals ad that is titled, “If Herpes Doesn’t Matter… [I may be a cool African-American woman for you to meet:) ]“ Plz tell me that’s a goof. In case this is a goof and it gets taken down, here’s a screenshot. Yet further proof that D.C. needs to be incinerated, or in cuter mortal kombat terms: TOASTY! Cue the youtube videos:

Mortal Kombat II Scorpion (Toasty) Fatality

Scorpion MK4 TOASTY!!

Dan Forden is the man… If you’re a newb and don’t understand the reference, during Mortal Kombat I - III, Dan Forden took a sprite photo of himself and shouts “Toasty” whenever Scorpion executes his fatality/finishing move. I want to roast marshmallows with him.

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Permalink Posted in: dc, election, odds and ends, ventilation Comments(0) July 18, 2008

My Mind Is On Carmen Sandiego’s G550 Jet. I’ve Lost It, And Waldo Is Being A Douche On His Two-Way Pager.

Carmen Sandiego - I’m all over the place.

Just some random thoughts going on… I missed the Tila 2 finale last night? Did I? Well, I am sure it was lame. I know way hotter Vietnamese chicks in Texas than her. She’s a fidget anyway.

So, did you hear about the new iPhone coming out on July 11th? Really cheap: $199 and $299 respectively… If you look under the hood though and by hood I mean AT&T’s pricing plan on the service side, that same unlimited data goes from 20$ to 30$ a month and those free 200 txt messages, that’s now five dollars. Want the 1500 txt message package? That goes from 10$ to 15$ a month. So for me, that would total an additional 15$ a month or… quick math $145. er, fuck I can’t add: 180. Either way that blows, $igh.

What’s up with milfs these days, esp the “newly” divorced ones. Not only will they ask you what knd of car you drive, but’ll if you happen to be in your friends car, they’ll ask what car your friend’s driving too…wtf.
Way to take the LF out of milf, okay nm, that’s still in effect despite the golddiggery.
Be a mother, get rid of the damn eyebrow-piercing-ring. Why attract attention to your eyes, where crows feet lay, right? You’re not 18 anymore. And you’re 30 going on 40.

I hope Artie Lange is okay in Iraq, where he is performing this week on the USO Show tour.

Amy Whinehouse called Kanye West a cunt. How great is that?

Did you know the next Survivor is being filmed right now in Africa?

Fu*k I hate spam like this, New message: “why is your myspace photo here on this site.. laquinka . com
”
I dunno, let me rush on over to la-quin-ka.com real quick and see.

There has been much squabble over “shitty parts of NYC to hang out”. By squabble I just mean different sources of opinion saying similar things. And from respectable sources. Apparently El-P & Alaska of Hangar18 both hate Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. I thought that was the hip-artsy-fartsy cool part of town. Shows you how much I know. But I still rep BKNY. Cue…

El-P:

editor’s note: Williamsburg - im not talking about williamsburg. williamsburg is the only place in brooklyn that sucks harder than manhattan as a rule no matter what the circumstance.

Alaska:

Williamsburg – I don’t know a single person that likes that pisshole yet people are always going there, hey someone is spinning some shitty MIA at a loft party, or let’s go to this shitty as boutique my friends dad bought, they have like one sneaker, four pairs of jeans and a coffee table book. People dress like the tourists in Times Square and have shitty mustaches it might as well be Milwaukee, sorry Milwaukeeans I didn’t mean to insult you because although you guys dress like that you do shower and aren’t a bunch of pretentious pricks who base their whole personality off what pitchfork.com thinks and whichever t-shirt is recommended in the latest issue of Vice.

Pwned!

Word on the street is to find Waldo El-P Sandiego, ya just gotta go to the lower east side of Manhatty, or just let him tell you where he hangs out.

$

Permalink Posted in: apple, artie lange, brooklyn, ccwm, celebs, comedy, defjux, el-p, hiphop, howard stern, humor, iphone, music, myspace, nightlife, odds and ends, quotes, reviews, shabooty, ventilation Comments(0) July 2, 2008

This Is The Most Hilarious Subliminal Advertising I’ve Ever Seen

This Is The Most Hilarious Subliminal Advertising I’ve Ever Seen (Maybe Mainly Because of the Product And My Sick Sense Of Humor). Watch Very Carefully At The End Of This Video.

They say in a message or advertisement, the viewer remembers the beginning, forgets the middle, and remembers the end of the message. So watch this video … you remember in Fight Club, they spliced in those stills of ‘penis’? This so sort of like that. Cept less cute, and less Chuck-P-rific.

!
!!
!!!

heheeeeeh…ROLF at the Vaseline thing…that is too hilarious…that subliminal advertising shit!

Similar product placement occurs here at [ 0:42 and 1:10 ] NSFW AUDIO!

Robin Quivers Dad, by Ham Hands
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Permalink Posted in: comedy, music, odds and ends, ventilation, video Comments(2) June 26, 2008

Shay Johnson Aka Buckeey Of Flavor Of Love 2 Sex Tape

Download here (video: NSFW)

I barely even remember this heffer from Flavor of love 2, Flav must have eliminated her ass early on…(actually I realized I didn’t watch season 2 that closely)… Well, either way, she reaches minute 16 on her 15minutes of fame with this sex tape that has surfaced. She has one ashy asshole.

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hat tip: taint

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Permalink Posted in: chick, model, nsfw, odds and ends, snatch, tv Comments(4) June 23, 2008

Have You Ever Felt The Need To…

Lash out at something or someone, yet you don’t even have a proper target? Ever been SO annoyed by so many DIFFERENT things that you can’t tell what’s really annoying you? All I can tell you is that it’s a headache inducing feeling. I sort of feel like theres an elephant in the room in the form of a 400 lbs fat chick and she just got done sitting on my head. I obviously have diarrhea aka “beer shits“.

MUAHHAHA…

ThE END.

I CRACK MYSELF UP, (& THAT’S ALL THAT COUNTS).

Have a good weekend, folks.
Look for the sexy guy sharting on the dance floor tonight, that’s me.

$

p.s.

bonus material (click to expand): I think Madagascar is a giant floating log of congealed shit, according to that mapping.

Permalink Posted in: odds and ends, shabooty, ventilation Comments(0) June 20, 2008

Setting The Table

Phrase of the day: “Setting The Table”/Stage/Scene/Your Mom

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Song of the day: Remix of Radiohead’s ‘All I Need’ by Amp Live featuring Yakballz
note: (under price put $0)

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Transformers 2 Update: (first hand account) from University of Pennsylvania (UPENN) regarding last weeks’ Transformers 2 filming:
Yes–they were all over the main campus about a week or so ago. Made getting around a bit tough as they don’t like us walking onto the set and unfortunately our offices are right in the middle of the main campus. I wasn’t successful in getting a cameo appearance or glimpse of anyone famous…

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Suicide Girl Of The Day

(click to expand)

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Shabooty rhetorical question the day:
You know, if you put a carnation or celery in food-colored water, it will turn that color… so if you put celery in a vagina for long enough will it grow fish-scales?

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Permalink Posted in: howard stern, odds and ends, quotes, shia labeouf, word of the day Comments(2) June 19, 2008

ECLECTIC: Extremely Callous Lacking Energy Citing Things Interwebs Crave (Aka Odds & Ends)

Gold Star Recipient Of The Day Goes To: Scott The Engineer (of “The Howard Stern Show”)

• Yazmany, the artist behind The Assassination Of Art, posts this funny anecdote about well, literally carrying a giant penis around downtown Manhattan. In the name of art, folks. Truly hilarious - I’d do it, long as I wasn’t in charge of carrying the balls around. That’s not hot.
• And in Shia LaBeouf news…
  • Jonah Hill (Superbad) left ‘Transformers 2′ over script
  • Shia LaBeouf ‘Embarrassed’ by Gay Slur Video
  • Director Michael Bay: ‘Transformers 2′ Not A ‘Lame Sequel
  • Shia LaBeouf: Filming ‘Indy 4′ was terrifying
  • LaBeouf admits Natalie Portman crush
• Random Thoughts Of The Day, by yours truly. . .
  • Someone needs to create: Stuffwhitepeoplewhoadoptblackbabieshate.com
  • I wish I had a cool middle name like ‘Fucking‘ –like how Jesus Christ has.
• Mp3 Of The Day: Nas - I’m On Ft. DJ Khaled [via sdsu]
  
• Viral Video Of The Day: Vista (Sucks!) Ad
  

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Permalink Posted in: cardboard city, howard stern, movie, music, odds and ends, shia labeouf, video Comments(0) June 17, 2008

Ouch! Mexican Drunk Driver Plows A Bunch Of Bicyclists (Car Crashes Into Bike Race), Going To 7734 (Hell)

TOASTY!!!

MONTERREY, Mexico (AP) — A car plowed into a weekend bike race along a highway near the U.S.-Mexico border, killing one and injuring 10 others, police said.

The 28-year-old driver was apparently drunk and fell asleep when he crashed into the race, said police investigator Jose Alfredo Rodriguez.

FULL STORY>>

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Damn, that dude is going to H E Double-Hockey-Sticks!!!

:)

$

Permalink Posted in: odds and ends Comments(1) June 4, 2008

Yak Ballz…

Here’s an interview that Yak did with Karmaloop. The only thing I got out of it was that, don’t bring 40oz’s to interviews, unless the person being interviewed is as cool as Yak, and won’t bash you over the head with the bottle. Though I will say, if you gonna be rediculous like that, at least come correct with a nasty-ass brass monkey (aka the poor man’s mimosa)!

a 40 of Olde English 800 mixed with some OJ.

Typically one drinks the 40 down until the beer is level with the top of the cylinder of the bottle, then fill the bottle back up to the top with orange juice.

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