Tales of Not F*cking A Haggard Bitch
Last night was “some ol’ bullshit”. I was going to this place called Frank and Nics in Baltimore, Maryland. I punch it into my iPhone, and it takes me to Canton, MD. Turns out that was a non-existent place called Frank and Nicks. Sigh. Anyways… long story short, I get to Frank and Nics, the correct one. The cover was $10, so I hit up the haggard-cougar I was meeting up with, to get me in. I get in… and get a sense of the place… it’s interesting. I think this is the scene where Baltimore white trash graduate to, from their Iguana Cantina days. Iguana Cantina is the epitome of a trashy youngin ass club. Where guys are either missing teeth or have tongue rings. The chicks that go there can be sometimes hot, when they’re not fat trolls, but they’re always young and dumb. Back to Frank and Nics, this is for those that are now graduated to old and dumb status.
So, I meet up with haggard-cougar and she shows me a picture on her cell phone, of her car flipped the fuck over. She tells me, that was this morning. I totaled my car! And I go, “Wow, are you okay? How are you at this shitty club the night of tottalling your car?” Inside I was contemplating, damn, this bitch is really lucky, or this is just the product of having no soul.
So, she asks me, do I want anything to drink? I say sure. She gets me a vodka+cranberry, (oh, she’s with friends, but we’ll get to them in a second). I get my drink and we’re walking to another part of said shitty club, and next thing I know, this haggard-bitch FALLS FLAT ON HER FACE! Now, normally if I wasn’t IN THE COMPANY OF THIS BITCH, I woulda been laughing my ass off. Instead, I played it mature and uhh,, waited for her to get up, take two steps, AND FALL RIGHT BACK DOWN ON HER FACE!!! WOWWWW. At this point I started noticing some BO-LEGGED NESS on said Haggard-Bitch! This bitch can’t even walk, all gimpy like. Sigh. This is when I start thinking to myself, the only reason I am here is to blog about it. Roffle. The life of a comic, eh?
I meet her friends. Actually, one of them is how I know haggard-bitch. Her friends are the blonde chick I knew, who has a blonde chicks [are dumb] complex – which is, every time they talk to you they have to say that they’re not dumb. Blonde chick’s boyfriend, who actually seemed like a reasonable guy. He looked like a dopey version of Chris Cooley + Dominic West. And Chris Cooley looks dopey naturally. And one other guy. The other guy in their group, while a nice guy on the surface, was the cliche “strip club” douche. Sort of like a toned down Ronnie the Limo driver. Just basically the guy you hang out with and every two minutes all that’s on his mind is going to the strip club. How, a few months ago, he had spent thousands of dollars there, and now it’s like his second home. At one point this guy disappears from this place, and I am assuming goes to the strip cub. Yawn. Baltimore=skanks anyway…
Anyways, fast forward to the end of the night and haggard-cougar is no where to be found, and I am stuck with her blonde un-complex friend. This isn’t a bad thing on paper, but it was her with her boyfriend, while she’s blabbing in my ear. She then asks me that question we all hear in our lives, “Do you want to be rich or poor?” Uhhhh… I told the bitch, I wanna be poor, because I knew what was coming. So, she barrels ahead with her “pitch.” She keeps rambling on about some vitamins or rather I should say, supplements get rich quick scheme. Ohhh, Ray Lewis is endorsing it? Wow, that means a lot to me, he’s a class act, not. Blonde butterface even tells me, these supplements have cured haggard-cougar’s MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY! AH HA! SEE, I KNEW THAT BITCH WAS GIMPY! I keep listening to the cure-all that are these supplements, but no, I still don’t wanna get in on the ground floor of your bullshit fucking supplements, why the fuck have you just wasted 20 minutes of my life? Why? Rather, why am I such a nice guy? I shoulda just shut her the ef up, from the beginning. Anyways, at the end of her shpiel, she goes, oh by the way, haggard-cougar had an emergency, she had to go. And we’re rolling out too. I say aight bye. And I look across the street, and gimpy-leg haggard-cougar is troll walking on the sidewalk on the way to the garage.
So, yeah, fuck that bitch, and fuck Frank and Nics of Baltimore, Maryland. Never going there again. Oh, I guess she was a promoter for this club, well here’s your promotion.