If Hacksaw Jim Duggans Was Black…

If Hacksaw Jim Duggans Was Black..: Derrion Albert

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Permalink Posted in: video September 28, 2009

Kid Cudi – Day N Nite Video (Screwed & Chopped)

Kid Cudi – Day N Nite Video (Screwed & Chopped).

Download the mp3 audio after the jump…

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Permalink Posted in: hip-hop, video September 28, 2009

Lady Gaga before she was a bird nest wearing hermaphrodite. Video from 2006 Performance.

Lady Gaga “Hollywood” live @ The Bitter End 1/20/06

Figures this bitch’s natural hair color was a brunette. Just like iJustine… fake ass blondes taking over MTV. Wack…

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Permalink Posted in: celebs, chick, music September 28, 2009

Hail to the Dead Skins (Redskins)

Hail to the Dead Skins

The Washington Redskins suck!

$

Permalink Posted in: comedy, dc, sports September 28, 2009

A Saturday With ‘Booty [Sha] (A Day In The Life…) @ University of Maryland

A Saturday With ‘Booty [Sha] (A Day In The Life…) @ University of Maryland – Event Log!

I figured I would give a run down of my eventful Saturday, because after all, the idea of hanging out with me is supposed to be an exciting experience that hundreds, if not thousands would clamor to partake in, right? Okay, maybe not. I saw that at my alma-mater, the University of Maryland, there was going to be a football game at 3:30 PM. By 10 AM, I had rallied the troops, and I even had a friend already there tailgating – WAITING FOR US. Fast forward 2.5 hours, because that’s how long my two homies took to “get ready” and “get the effing asses over here.” All the while, I’m throwing a twitter bitchfit. Anywhoo… we meet up, or wait, they don’t pick me up because that’d be a whole 5 minutes out of their 2.5 hours late way… so we meet up, hop on the metro, and head towards College Park, MD.

Now, there are going to be many many tangents in this story. Here’s number one. We’re sitting on the train and a hot chick sits right in front of me with her friend. Now, this wouldn’t be a big deal except for the fact that in DC, a hot chick is a dozen a dime? Er, what I am trying to say is that they’re RARE. So, this chick sits down and I immediately notice a few things… a) She applied her lipstick outside of her lip line, so I guess her lips would appear fuller… I am not a teh ghey, so I dunno what’s “in” in the make-up world or not, but I thought it looked goofy. Like someone put her lipstick on with their elbow. Not that this would slow any guy down. The other thing was how cliche her conversation with her friend was… of course I ease-dropped. If you didn’t know, hot broads TALK LOUD when talking, so that everyone can hear every single world they have to say. She was one of those typical chicks that cannot have a conversion with another human being or tell a story without a) bringing up her boyfriend, b) stating her boyfriends FULL NAME in the story, … her story was how some dude (her boyfriend) ADAM SILVA calls her house, and her dad always comes and knocks on the door, telling chick that “Adam” is on the phone, and she’s all like, “oh, is it ADAM SILVA?”… This was her attempt at a witty story, don’t blame ME, Roffle. But the point is, can you please have a conversation without bringing your BF up every two seconds. I went to school with nothing but chicks like these, where they raise their hands to give an anecdote during class, which doesn’t have to do with shit and is all about their boyfriend. Get over yourself, honey. So anyways, this broad gets off in PRINCE GEORGES COUNTY. Aka where WALE wishes he was from, because it has street-cred. Sorta funny ADAM SILVA. (See even now, I can’t tell a story without bringing up ADAM, sigh).

We get off the metro at 3 frigging PM. So much for tailgating which was the only frigging reason I wanted to go there in the first place. :) Well, a main reason.

Not only did we miss the tailgating, but it’s frigging raining and we dunno where the fuck we are in proximity to the campus. (Shit, I went to school there, I never metroed there, not after reading the countless crime reports that start with BLACK MAN and end with COLLEGE PARK METRO).

We see a UMD Bus with stadium on the front signage. We hop on, I text and apologize to my friend that we missed the tailgating, that it was my other bozo friend’s faults. (Jokes).

We hop off the bus next to Byrd Stadium. But, we don’t have tickets but we didn’t wanna stay out in the rain, anyways… so we basically walk our asses to the BARS.

I first suggest [the bar] Sante Fe… but before we can even get there, my one friend, feeling silly for not wearing any red, rushes off to the bookstore to buy a $50 UMD hoodie pull over, sigh. Along with going to Subway to grab a few cookies…he’s a snack-a-saurus. Hence his rap name, SNACKS.

My other friend (Jose) and I head to the ‘FE aka Sante Fe (Steve Francis – Basketball player is a new recent investor in the property) HENCE: IT WAS CLOSED…(doing repairs).

We head on over to Cornerstone [Bar and Grill], which I generally never liked, nor like going to, even though it was well over a year+++ that I’ve even been in this town/bar.

We sit down at a table, order beers… watch the first half of the game… OUR FUCKING FRIEND BUYING THE HOODIE STILL HASN’T COME BACK FROM MAKING HIS PURCHASES, YET! WTF… dumb, dumb.

So, by half-time he finally gets back with his new apparel. Was it really worth missing half of the game so you can look less / OR MORE / Douchie in front of some dumb, cunty college hoo-ers?

At Cornerstone Bar and Grill.

I order some wings, fried, sauce on side, and like any trend setter like myself, my friends follow suit and order some when they see my wings come out and me being in a wolverine grubbing vortex.

Tangent: I notice an Asian chick at the bar, and immediately tweet that all Asian women look the same. This was because, I have a sorta goof-feud going on with this chick named Connie Du that posed in the Playboy girls of ACC 2009 magazine. I posted her pic and goofed on her and then her friends and ultimately HER replied in the comments section, that she’s NOT some coke whore repressed AZN broad that only dates white guys. Okay, so I was wrong bout the coke part. Sheesh. So, I thought I had seen Connie Du at the bar, but it wasn’t her, they all just look the same.

Our waitress was this steamy white chick, whom originally came across sweet and cute and nice, but [like most beautiful women], I quickly noticed how cunty she was. I think at one point some douchebag who was flirting with a girl lifted his chair up in the air, and almost hit our hot waitress, and she almost pimp slapped the dude, lol.

I knew this chick was cunty though, because she closed out our tab without us really ASKING TO CLOSE THE TAB, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THE STARTING OF THE THIRD QUARTER…The fuck?

Eventually, after us not rushing to pay our bill, she goes, “okay, I am ending my shift, can you pay?”… No prob, but tell us at first. Shit.

While this is going on, there are a bunch of RUTGERS Football fans in the bar, sitting right in front of us. Now, I don’t know what it is with Washington DC sports, that’s a joke, but there’s always a groundswell of FANS OF THE OPPOSITE TEAM at ANY DC sporting event I go to. It’s SICKENING! Go to a Washington Nationals game vs Phillies and I promise you there’s more Phillies fans than Nationals fans, wait that’s understandable ’cause the Nattys suck, but you get my frigging drift.

So, in front of us is the douchiest group of fans and they’re being boisterous. To the point I was getting extreme douche-chills. I said to my friend, when we went to school here, we wouldn’t stand for this ol’ bullshit. Embarrassing us in our own bar. They were doing some crab cakes chant, slapping the tables, and just ridiculousness. The one offender that gave me the biggest douche-chills was this fat head dude, that looked like a douchie Drew Carey. Of COURSE, he was wearing a douchie AFFLICTION shirt (Ronnie the Limo Driver’s favorite), and was angering everyone behind him (the whole bar). So, that was going on, our waitress was being cunty, the Terps are losing, and our tab climbs higher. Not exactly my idea of the best time.

Not exactly my idea of a fun time.

We go to pay our cunty waitress, and since she was hot – I PROMISE I NEVER DO THIS – I was like, “yo, check out my website,” and I hand her a card for shabooty.com. With of course my 310, Los Angeles phone number on it.

Now, if she had any semblance of a brain, she’d check out the site, and reply to this post. To re-neg the fact that I called her cunty. And of course leave her number.

(Though, it didn’t help that my stingy friends sorta stiffed her on the tip).

Anywhoo… the game ends, we walk out with the douche-chills – the true, Cornerstone Bar and Loft Grill experience.

We roll over to 7-11. My “Snacks” friend was of course craving A) More SNACKS – Swedish Fish and of course gambling B) Scratch-off tickets. . . because he heard some rapper won mad money off the lottery scratch offs, so now he’s playing religiously, expect religiously would suggest that he’d know if he won anything or not when he scratched the ticket off… he didn’t. He went into the 7-11 and showed it to the guy and asked if he won anything. Of course the 7-11 worker had no idea either… figures. These are the people I hang around with, god love them. Or God Like them… Oh, I grab a Mountain Dew AMP which actually didn’t even give me WINGS …cause it wasn’t a Redbull, sigh. (Poor man’s Redbull).

Next, I say let’s check out this bar, The Thirsty Turtle… We walk in, it was pretty dead, but we grab a cheap 16 OZ Bud light and chill for a few. But, then I am like wtf, this is teh lame. Now of course my other friend JOSE does some ole’ bullshit, which is of course starting a tab, when there’s a whole 5 DOLLAR MINIMUM, a whole 5 fucks bucks credit card minimum, and instead of paying 5 dollars, he of course gets a few bucks from my other friend and I. Lol, Douche. (J.k).

Next, we roll to RJ Bentley’s – another bar. That I suspect is going to smell like vomit, like it always does.

Before we cross the street, who do we see in the middle of the intersection walking to our side of the street. Our (former) waitress from Cornerstone…and of course she pays no mind to us, and totally ignores us, and to her may I say three things: KARMA+SNATCH+CANCER. Okay, if you really want me to be honest, I should probably just say two things, DISPLACED+ANGER+COMEDY. Err, three things.

On to RJ Bentley’s…which is probably even douchier than Cornerstone was at this point, and it was filled with Maryland fans, sigh. Anyways, I grab a vodka cranberry (no homo), and we chill there. At this point I am getting MAD Tired, but you try “partying” on zero sleep. This is when up-skirt shots happen, but luckily I’m not a broad…but I sure as hell was starting to feel out of it, and this crappy bar wasn’t helping either. I observe some funny things. I love young chicks that it’s like their third time at bar, and some guy hands them a shot, and their first move is the SMELL the shot. It’s like honey, the first time you sucked a cock, did you first SMELL IT? Sigh….yeah, mad youngin ass bitches in there that looked 15. And douches were dropping their beer bottles every two seconds, having glass shatter all over the ground. Sigh. We roll out, cause it was turning into a typical DC-MD-VA DMV shitty bar experience.

It’s STILL raining and we walk out. The idea was to get a cab to the metro. And of course JOSE bullheadedly refuses to get money out of the ATM to pay a cabbie. I finally found someone more stingy than I. LOLz. He puts me to shame.

So, now we’re standing in the rain, it’s dark out, no cabbie in sight, no idea as to how the heck far the metro station is to downtown. We try hailing a few cabs but again. It was us, a bunch of minorities, right?

Next thing we know, this brotha is standing by the ATM conversating with my friend talking bout, “ehhh my name is…” – I think he said SnowFLAKE or some suspect ass name. Roffle. He goes, “eh, I’m just trying to make a few bucks, where ya’ll need to go? My wife’s in the car sleeping but shit, I’ll drive ya’ll … 10 bucks for the three of yous.” I say, “okay, how do you get to the College Park Metro?…” Dude had NO IDEA. Now, before I let myself get robbed by a suspect ass dude named SnowFlake, I want him to appear to know like where the fuck he’s going to take my friends and I, before he jack-moves us. He had zero clue, so I say, “hey man, no disrespect, but we’re good,” and I walk away across the street. Of course like any GOOD suspect ass crackhead, he follows us across the street to continue the inane conversation, with several hand shake/daps in the process, which I spent zero type hesitating to immediately wipe my now wet hand (after giving him five), on my jeans.

Long story short, er wait, long story long, we cross the street again, and of course SNACKS, had to again go to Subway to get MORE COOKIES. Hence SNACKS…Sigh.

Anyways, since this was “my operation,” I pull up the metro station on my trusty, no new numbers in it, iPhone, and I point out that it’s frigging only a few blocks straight. We wait for Snacks to get his snacks, and then we start walking in the rain towards the metro station. Sigh. We walk, take a piss in the side of the sidewalk, and keep going.

Get to the metro, Jose has to run down the opposite direction escalator like a 5 year old, and we enter the station. This Jose guy, not only has a Spanish accent, but he slurs his words. Chicks – if you think a typical Spanish guy macking you is creepy, imagine if he also slurs his words. Roffle. Good guy, though. I met him through Snacks.

We take the metro back, and Jose keeps reminding me about – if you do go to McDonalds later, you gotta get a McDouble (which is Spanglish for Double Cheeseburger), to ask for MAC SAUCE, which is again, Spanglish for Big Mac Sauce. I am like BET! (Black for, “you betcha!”).

We get back to our destination Metro stop and say peace. I hit up Mickey Dee’s last minute and try out this so called, “Double Cheeseburger with Big Mac sauce,” and I pull around the drive-thru, and what do you know? They special order/customized my burger with Big Mac sauce! Talk about WINNAGE! Thanks, Jose. keep those few bucks you owed me, because you have just repaid me in utter ghetto fab delicious food recipes, thanks broski.

10:21 PM — On the way home, I was bumping this: Head Automatica.

I get home, at this point I think I’d been up 24 to 23 hours. I have that zombie-high, as I like to call it. Grub, talk to my Canadian Wifey, AHAHAH. That’s a whole ‘nother blog. And pass the fuck out. Or try to… the thing that’s always a shock, when one has been up for 24 hours, is that when yo go to lay down, your heart beat is sorta out of wack, and it’s hard to fall asleep even in that situation. Or maybe it was that McDouble with MAC sauce that was getting to me…

Either way, the day was successful, because it was worthy of a blog, and that my friend is the best way to evaluate your life, if you’re living one that’s “blog worthy,” or not.

So, again I ask… who wouldn’t want to go out on the town with Shabooty?

And hot waitress who’s out of my league, stop being cunty, and hollar at your new.favorite.blogger/asshole customer.

Cheers!

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Permalink Posted in: anecdote, chick, comedy, dc, food, nightlife, shabooty, shabooty exclusive, sports, ventilation September 27, 2009

Filed Under: I’m Never Accepting This Creeper’s Facebook Friend Request

Filed Under: I’m Never Accepting This Creeper’s Facebook Friend Request

If you didn’t know, in the world of the book of face, I am related to Lindsay Lohan. So, just by that proxy I get a shit load of creepers adding me on facebook. The latest is THIS GUY. WTF?! He’s gotta be kidding me. I ain’t bout adding some creepy ass dudes. Call me a square if you have to. After I shared his pics, he’s been called everything on twitter from the White MF Doom, to techno viking, to Dr. Keith Ablow…Roffle.

More pics after the jump…

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Permalink Posted in: comedy, facebook, shabooty exclusive September 27, 2009

Lazerbitch – Coquette (Video)

Lazerbitch – Coquette (Video)

Here’s my “friend” Libby’s new music video. By friend I mean she makes me pay cover, and her girlfriend I was trying to bang, never banged me. LOL. Let’s not let that take away from the ART here, kiddes. Personal politics aside, I actually liked the video.

Now, here’s how you make it in show business. You hook up your sluttiest of friends with writers, and you make sure you have a media guest list. Pretty simple, right?

And I still dunno wtf a coquette is.

Ohhh, a flirt who gets a lot of coq?

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Permalink Posted in: comedy, music, snatch, ventilation, video September 27, 2009

SNL F-Bomb – Jenny Slate – Biker Chick Sketch

BIKER CHICK SKIT Fuck-BOMB 9-26-09 – Jenny Slate – Saturday Night Live (SNL)

:53 – Roffle… SNL IS SOOO WACKSKIS! This sketch isn’t even that funny, that’s the problem. Yawn.

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Permalink Posted in: comedy, show, tv, video September 27, 2009

Travis of Gym Class Heroes + Cage + El-P (PICS)

Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes + Cage + El-P (PICS)

The thing that I find most interesting about this picture, is that it’s captioned as: “Me and @chrispalko and @therealelp lemon dropping at AK for my videoshoot.” And we all know Gym Class Heroes has that youngin fan base, so there were a bunch of picture comments of kiddies saying, “humm, what you drinking??”. I guess Fisher-Price has yet to come out with the My First Lemon Drop. Sigh.

Another pic after the jump…

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Permalink Posted in: cage, music, nyc, shabooty exclusive September 26, 2009