Jay-Z, The Blueprint 3 (Roc Nation, 2009) – ALBUM REVIEW

WHAT WE TALKIN’ ABOUT ft. Luke Steele
This is a an uptempo song, so when Jay-Z had a listening party and they pressed play, peeps sitting around listening can bump their heads. You remember how when as a kid the ice cream man would come and there’s that $2.50 wild fireworks popsicle, then they had some 25cent bubblegum flavor popsicle? And you’d go for the latter, cause it was cheaper. This is that bubble gum 25cent popsicle.

THANK YOU
This is when Jay-Z thanks people for coming to his listening party. Quite literally. When you make horrible music, for some reason you feel like you have to thank people for listening to it. This is when I’m bitter if I was at said listening party, and remembered that Jay-Z has forbade crystal champagne. At least at that point you can drown out the music with liquid.

D.O.A. (DEATH OF AUTO-TUNE)
I find it ironic this initial single from Blueprint 3 is Death of Auto-Tune. You would think this meant that Jay would sway away from a wholly commercial record, yet why does almost every song on the record have a feature on it? This isn’t keeping it “100″. Sick of this song, anyway.

RUN THIS TOWN ft. Rihanna / Kanye West
I like this song, expect for the flawed fundamental fact that Rihanna isn’t running any town except if NikeTown released some Swoosh Ice-packs. $$$

EMPIRE STATE OF MIND ft. Alicia Keys
This is interesting… I thought Nas was on this track. I guess Jigga cut him out last minute? Doesn’t Jay know that Nas has to pay baby bills? You have to ask yourself, a song about New York…if you were pushing your whip down Madison Ave, would you want to be bumping this song? The answer is NO. I would look like a faggot bumping Alicia Keys acting hard out tha whip.

REAL AS IT GETS ft. Young Jeezy
Young Jeezy reminds me of the Male version of Snoop from The Wire (HBO Show). I am pretty sure that’s not a compliment. Isn’t Snoop a mush-mouth’d dyke? So, if you replace Alicia Keys with Jeezy…I STILL wouldn’t wanna be seen bumping this out of the whip. Again, it’s not hard, hearing Jay rhyme about eating quail (not making this stuff up).

ON TO THE NEXT ONE ft. Swizz Beatz
This is one of those bad songs you have to probably blame social networking for. I am pretty sure Swizz Beats didn’t have Jigga’s number, so he hit up on twitter or myspace to hook him up with a beat for Blueprint 3. The result is… on to the next one, aka SKIP SONG!

OFF THAT ft. Drake
You take the hottest rapper out there, Drake, and you just give him the hook? Does Drake look like Kid Cudi? Apparently to Jay-Z, yes!!! Hard to tell “beta males” apart, understandably.

A STAR IS BORN ft. J. Cole
Sounds like Jay is too rich now to make hard music. When your wife is the inspiration for white girls to name their kids Beyonce’,… I guess it makes sense.

VENUS VS. MARS
This song’s a PC, a piece of crap! Actually, its okay, I just wanted to make that pun.

ALREADY HOME ft. Kid Cudi
I am actually a Kid Cudi fan! How come Kid Cudi sounds like he has a cold on this song? Or maybe I am not a Kid Cudi fan, because I am not used to his always nasally voice. He should try snorting some metamucil.

HATE ft. Kanye West
This is the end of the listening session, when you have to remind people at the party, to not be haters to Jay-Z’s face, or Beyonce’s booty – (you know when you air hump a chick right behind her ass when she’s not looking).

REMINDER
This song should have been saved for a Canal Street unofficial bootleg tape. UHHH.

SO AMBITIOUS ft. Pharrell
I am shocked that Pharrell had the time to step away from gold plating every piece of electronic equipment he owns, to actually make a beat.

YOUNG FOREVER ft. Mr Hudson
I think the Mr. Hudson feature was a connection that Kayne West put together. He sounds like a poor man’s Sting. Maybe we have to blame Kanye West for this album sounding so vagina.

CONCLUSION:

This album was so bad, I had to go back to the album art back cover to make sure these really are the real tracks and they are. I’ve finally found one positive of DJ AM dropping dead of a drug overdose. He’ll never have to spin Blueprint 3.

[ (_*_) (_o_) (_o_) (_o_) ] 1 / 4 BOOTIES… THAT’S A LOT OF BOOTY-HOLES!

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