Aesop Rock’s Portal to the Howard Stern Show Universe (2009)

Aesop Rock’s Howard Stern Show Guide 2009 – Click to zoom image.

It’s a surreal feeling when one of my favorite rappers (Aesop Rock) writes about my favorite show (The Howard Stern Show). Or should I say our favorite show?

Aesop Rock brought his ace opinion and has graced us with this exclusive Howard Stern Show Universe rundown, where he breaks down the show’s cast of characters. We’re talking about everyone from Artie Lange to Yucko the Clown.

Both Howard Stern and Aesop Rock hail from Long Island, NY, so it was only natural they would find each other. The similarities don’t end there, however. Aside from both being Boston University graduates, the 6′5″ Stern, barely inches over the 6′4″ Aesop Rock.

Stern Show staffers and Wack Packers watch out! Turn on some Aes.Rock tunes (below) and enjoy!

Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass // Daylight

howard stern - i like howard, though i gotta say, he is a cranky motherfucker these days. his insanely anal retentive critiquing of everyone around him is as sad as it is enjoyable. all jokes aside, probably one of the most talented entertainers we will ever see. plus he’s from long island. its hard to tell if his hearts still in it anymore, but i still find the show awesome. i have a feeling he’s just dying for his contract to end and his retirement to begin.

richard christy – love richard. top three on show for me. love his hick humor and his love for music. i love that his grossness angers artie. i love that he likes bands like “dream theater”. wish he was in the studio more these days like he was a few years ago.

sal the stockbroker – i enjoy sal. it’s fascinating hearing a racist man who truly believes he is not racist, even though it is obvious to everyone around him that he is. his inability to filter whats coming out of his moth can be pretty classic. he should leave his wife.

robin quivers – i like robin, though she is completely full of shit about 80% of the time. people complain about her, and occasionally she talks way too much, but i do enjoy her and find she definitely helps keep the machine running. plus giant cans.

artie lange - just unfunny at this point. he’s a shitty stand-up who, for a while, was a nice addition to the show. At this point he is one of two people on the show that can make me change the channel. I would not flinch for a second at the idea of a replacing him.

fred norris - fred is great. love win fred’s money. seems like a nice guy. i like that hes been with the show for so long.

gary dell’abate - gary is a nice guy. he loves the show and loves howard and it shows. that said, he occasionally comes off as just another doofus-y sports fan. he also finds himself way more interesting than anyone else finds him.

jd - hes top three for me, also. i love jd, and if i ran that show he’d have a permanent seat in the studio. his awkwardness is golden. i love that he hates on everything. i just find him awesome.

miss howard stern – classic. classy. this whore amazes me. she has a daughter named beyonce.

george tekai – i love when george sits in. he is really an interesting addition to the cast, and i find myself looking forward to the weeks when he sits in.

jon hein – nice guy. i love that he is a pop culture wiz. i love that he sold jumptheshark.com and caked the fuck off. i could do without the constant sports talk, but i think he does a great job at keeping the wrap up show interesting.

steve langford – love him on the show, mostly cause of the giant contrast in how straight-laced he is in comparison to everyone else there. it makes the news awesome. that said, if i worked with him i would have killed him long ago.

lisa g – i like her i guess. i wouldn’t say shes vital to the show, but her prudeness makes for a good foundation for jokage. i can not picture her on hot 97. that shocks me.

benjy bronk – i really like benjy. occasionally he goes a little too andy kaufman, but i usually find myself wishing they’d let him talk more. he also seems to fuck a lot of chicks for a fat guy, granted off craigs list. i can’t beleive he dated ivy supersonic. gross.

jason kaplan – he’s funny as a voice and opinion on the show, but i would probably kill him if i worked with him. i love when him and depace go at it.

will murray – pretty likable guy. seems like he’s just there to keep it moving and enjoy the show. he also might be the only sane staffer.

ronnie mund – i fucking love ronnie. what a fucking freak! i could listen to this guy talk forever. i love that he’s a 5 ft. security guard/strip-club-enthusiast. when ronnie is heated or being yelled at it’s some of my favorite shit on there. his clothing is also amazing.

shuli egar – shuli’s not bad. he fits well on the news team and adds to the weird grouping of ‘reporters’ they got going on over there. not hilarious, but he always tries, and seems good-natured.

beetlejuice – beetlejuice is as funny now as he ever was. really never has a bad appearance. love him.

eric the midget – he’s pretty fascinating. occasionally they have him on the phone too much, but overall i’m down with him. it’s amazing that he’s such an asshole.

john the stutterer – i hate him. he is the other guy (besides artie) that can make me change the channel. he just drives me nuts, his voice, his personality, all of it. that said, i LOVE that new stutterer they got, is it high-register sean? oh man that guy is my fucking man. so funny. my jaw dropped listening to him ‘debate’ john. more sean! less john!

bigfoot - i love bigfoot. one of the best wackpackers. definitely insane. wouldn’t be totally shocked if he hacked up a few bodies one day (or if he already has). but i love his appearances.

underdog lady – i love her. i’m glad shes not on too much, i don’t think i could deal with her everyday, but she is one-of-a-kind. actually maybe i could listen to her more. her every word is pretty fascinating.

riley martin – riley is definitely pretty funny, but i think i need a break from him. it’s always the same bit. classic voice though and i do like him. definitely clinically bonkers.

jeff the drunk – love. this guy is so amazing. love when he asks for money. having the woman handcuffed to him for a week was fucking nuts. i love him. and his dead dangling arm.

siobhan – she/he was interesting for a second, but i’m over it i think. eh maybe an occasional visit. i loved siobhan cribs.

yucko the clown - i think yucko is funnier than he gets credit for. if he had a brain in his head he woulda dropped the clown thing ages ago and just been a straight stand-up.

bob levy – i think bob is a shitty comedian but a great guest. his speech impediment and 2nd grade education make it amazing. i like his personality. i saw him live once. it was a terrible drunken mess. but i’d smoke a joint with him if he asked.

iron sheik – yes, but not all the time.

scott depace – really despicable. every time he steps in the studio he says something stupider than the time before. i guess it’s entertaining, but more infuriating that people like this exist. makes for a nice punching bag.

scott the engineer – funny part of the show. an angry scott is hard to top.

teddy microphone – seems nice. neither here nor there. cant believe he still works with artie.

ass napkin ed – weirdo, but good for the occasional humorous swing-thru.

crackhead bob – meh, i dunno. not my favorite wack packer.

cynthia croix – is she still on? she was awesome and so odd.

daniel carver – KKK guy. it was interesting for a sec, but not worthy of a roast. still occasionally they pull off pretty funny bits involving him. he also kinda seems a little confused sometimes as to how much he actually hates other races. he uses all the slurs and such, but sometimes howard gets into him and he’s almost like… i dunno. its almost like he doesn’t want to hate anymore, but he has to cause he was in the kkk for so long. his wife on the other hand – heartless.

elliot offen – pretty awesome guy but definitely not the guy you want around. isn’t he banned these days? he could throw a tantrum like no other. he actually kinda scares me.

evil dave letterman – really like him. i like that he’s only on occasionally so it always fun,.

gary the retard – he’s okay. i think i’m over it a little.

jeff the vomit guy - okay for the occasional appearance

joey boots – joey boots seems like a genuinely good person. i don’t really know how he even landed himself in the wackpack, but hes definitely a funny character to have on deck.

king of all blacks – i love him. when he was going at ronnie two weeks ago about his clothing, i was dying. i just love this guy. he really makes me laugh. he drops so many quotables.

yaqi the tickler – he seemed to be out of his element, and not really understanding of the show. don’t care for him.

mark the bagger – ha. hes funny sometimes. it’s all the voice. good once a year.

marianne from brooklyn – she’s awesome. i love that she gets right to the point when she calls, and that she always disses artie. shes obviously a life-long megafan. i think she is exactly what a ‘regular caller’ should be like.

nicole bass – i was booked to do a promo spot for mtv with nicole bass once. i was so siked. rob sonic was gonna wrestle her. she unfortunately had to cancel.

rappin’ granny – ha. insane. the sybian ride was crazy.

sour shoes – this guy seems like some sort of genius. love him. i love his calls, and the constant medley-ing. love the steve langford harassment.

wendy the retard – meh, shes okay.

angry black – meh, this guy does nothing for me.

will the farter - i’m not that into will. he seems like a creepy dude. he gets nice with the gas-passing though. truth.

blue iris – r.i.p. totally loved her.

hank the angry drunken dwarf - r.i.p. he was funny.

kenneth keith kallenbach – r.i.p. i really loved every kenneth keith kallenbach bit ever on the show. i found him totally fascinating and hilarious. was sad to hear of his passing, especially under such strange circumstances.

Image via HowardStern.com

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Permalink Posted in: aesop rock, artie lange, ccwm, celebs, comedy, defjux, hip-hop, howard stern, music, nyc, shabooty, shabooty exclusive, show, sirius Comments(10) June 20, 2009