Latest In The Artie Lange Saga: The Real Artie Calls In (01/05/09)

The Real Artie Calls In. 01/05/09. 10:10 am
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was at a bar down in Miami and he and his wife saw a guy walking toward the bar with another guy. It turned out to be Artie. The guy said that he was so happy to see Artie. Howard said it couldn’t have been Artie, he was supposed to be in intensive therapy. The caller said that he was in a robe there. The caller said that this black guy Artie was with were heading for a table right near them. He and his wife thought about sending him a drink but he wasn’t thinking.The caller said that Artie went to the table but then he turned around and ran off so he’s not sure what happened.

Howard said he had the real Artie on the phone. It was really him, not audio clips. Artie said he was getting calls about him being out on a boat with Ross. Artie said that he wasn’t on the boat but he is going to this rehab thing. Artie said that he went through 8 days of hell. Howard said that he has to come in and talk about this stuff.

Artie said that the intervention that his sister and Colin Quinn did was the most retarded thing since he tried to do the intervention with KC.

Artie said that his sister and Colin showed up at his door one day and did this intervention thing. Artie said that he was back to doing everything again. He was back on heroin so of course he was lying about it.

Howard asked Artie how he ended up in Miami if he was in this rehab. Artie laughed. He said he went to this place in South Florida that Colin found for him. He said it’s a place where people go to get off drugs and get cured of tons of other things. He said that it’s not a health spa. Artie said that everyone there has a lot of problems. Artie said they’re not locked down and he didn’t go anywhere for 8 whole days. Howard and Robin laughed when they heard that ”8 whole days” thing.

Howard asked Artie about going to Nobu in Miami. Artie said that he did go there but he’s in a hotel in Miami right now. Artie said that he’s not at work because he’s still doing treatments at this place. He said he didn’t like the room he was staying in so he had to go to a hotel. He said he’s been commuting about an hour each way to go to this rehab.

Artie said that he’s going through some intense shit out there. He’s had colonics, wheat grass shit and other stuff. Howard asked if he likes it. Artie said it’s gross but they convince you that you need it. He said this woman told him that Elvis had an 80 pound colon when he died.

Artie said that he’s scared to death of getting blood work done but they did it down there and found that he has high cholesterol and high blood pressure. He said that the only good thing was that his liver enzymes were okay except for one. Artie said that they put him on treatments for this wheat grass thing where they put it up your ass. Artie told Robin that coffee is acidic and this wheat grass is alkaline. He said that this stuff goes to your liver within seconds.

Artie said that they did these extreme treatments for 2 days and he felt like he had to go to the hospital. They told him that it was all of the poisons leaving his body and then a few days later he was feeling amazing. Artie said that he couldn’t do more than 3 minutes on a treadmill but now he’s up to like 20 minutes and he’s doing 2 miles in those 20 minutes. Artie said that he’s feeling great after going through all of this stuff.

Howard asked Artie how his bleeding ulcer is. Artie said they told him that it was all psychological according to these people. It’s actually acid reflux.

Artie said that he got to the 7th day on this program and he feels like a new person. Howard said he got nervous when he heard this on the message he left for him. Artie said that he has been clean for 2 weeks and he will totally submit to drug tests if he wants. Howard said he doesn’t have to do that, he doesn’t want him to do that stuff. Howard said that other people have come to him asking him to do an intervention with Artie but he has no reason to do that. Howard said he has no problem with Artie an if he’s fucking up, it’s not with him. Howard said he might be fucking up with other people but not with him.

Artie said that he would submit to random drug tests, just let him know when they’re going to be. Artie said that he’s got this therapist who has an Indian accent and it’s so relaxing to hear him speak. Artie said that the guy is telling him to pretend that he’s already gotten through this stuff. Robin said that’s a guided meditation.

Howard took some phone calls and let some fans ask him some questions. One guy said that Artie just swore on his father’s grave that he wasn’t doing dope. Artie said that his father was an atheist and so is he so that’s nothing. Artie said his father was a counterfeiter so c’mon.

Howard said that he read Artie’s book and it was great. Artie said he appreciates that. Robin said that Artie was lying to Howard and he has to admit to that. Artie said that he’s not really his boss and he doesn’t look at him that way.

Another caller said that Artie is funny with the bullshit he tells. He asked about this rehab center that he’s going to. Artie said that the name of the place is Hippocrates and it’s down in South Florida. Robin knew about the place and said that it’s a well known wellness center.

Howard said he heard that Artie’s sister and Colin Quinn tried to get him to go to a rehab but he refused and would only agree to go to this place. Artie said that his sister wanted him to go to Monticello, New York to a rehab center. Artie said that he’s going to try and do this stuff in New York. Artie said that there are people down there trying to get off of all kinds of stuff.

Howard told Artie that he has heard about the people they sent down to watch Artie down in Florida. Artie asked how he found out about all of that. Howard said he has all kinds of information about him. Artie said he almost went to the Spearmint Rhino down there because it’s within walking distance of the wellness center.

Artie said he knows that Gary thinks this is bullshit but he swears that he is getting better. Artie said that he has this chick that hangs around with him and she may not be the best influence on him. Robin said he knows who he’s talking about an she is trouble.

Artie said he weighed 301 pounds when he left for this place. Now he’s down to at least 280. Artie said that he’s losing weight, shaving and has some clarity being off the dope. Artie had some room service coming up and was yelling at the person to just come in.

Howard told Artie it was getting late so he had to let him go. Artie said that he was sorry for calling in so late. Howard told him not to worry about it. Artie got in some plugs for the Caroline’s shows he’s doing later this week and he said that he’ll talk about that when he comes in on Wednesday. Artie is going to be there on Thursday night.

Ralph called in and said that he’s glad to hear that he’s alright. Artie had to put the phone down to go get his room service. Howard said he doesn’t have high hopes for this rehab thing.

Artie came back so Howard asked Artie to put him on the phone so he could ask him some questions. The guy got on the phone and aid that he was eating an omelet an orange juice. It was a spinach and mushroom omelet but no toast. Howard was impressed with the food he was getting. Howard asked if there was any heroin or cocaine in the room. Howard asked if the bed had been defecated in. The guy didn’t understand what they were saying. Howard let him go.

Artie got back on the phone so Ralph asked him about this rehab he’s in. Artie said he’s in a hotel right now. Artie said he’d like to see Howard last 4 seconds in this rehab place. Artie said that he was skeeved by the room, the rugs and there was no water pressure there.

Howard told Artie that they’d see him on Wednesday when he returns. Artie said that it wasn’t that great down in Miami for very long. He said that if you have a drug problem this place he’s going to is really good.

Howard told Artie that they’ll have some discussions about all of this stuff when he returns. Howard said he’ll tell him about why Orlando Jones won’t talk to him and all of that. Artie said that Orlando actually did try to call him so he might be wrong about it.

Howard let Artie go and said he’ll do a more extensive interview on Wednesday. He said that was only 45 minutes and they’ll probably end up doing 2 hours on Wednesday.

(via marksfriggin)

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There are some people that are pissed at Artie for disrespecting the show, I just think the whole Artie bullshit saga is hella interesting. I get glued to the radio and this soap opera has yet to get old for me…

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Permalink Posted in: artie lange, comedy, howard stern, show, sirius Comments(3) January 6, 2009