Artie Lange Update: Artie Makes Contact With The Show

In case you haven’t been in the loop, the Artie Lange saga continued today… He called out sick from the show on Tuesday, with promises of returning on Wednesday. Well, this morning he called Jason Kaplan and told him that he has a 6:30 AM doctor’s appointment, and that he’ll be running late, and should be at Sirius at 8 AM. It was not until after 9 AM this morning that the show heard from Artie. Here’s the Marksfriggin.com recap:

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Artie Makes Contact With The Show. 12/03/08. 9:20am
After the break we heard an educational movie parody with Wood Yee as a boy who had a wet dream. Fred played some Allman Brothers as they were coming back.

Howard took a call from Artie when he came back. Howard told him that he had to get out of there by 10. Artie said that if he’s getting out at 10 then he won’t come in. Howard said that he’s got to get out at exactly 10. Howard told him to turn around and go home, come in tomorrow and they’ll talk about it then.

Artie said that he heard the first 20 minutes of the show and it’s money that can get a doctor to open up at 6:30am. Artie said he was vomiting blood so that’s why he had to go to the doctor. Artie said he heard Yucko’s song too and he wanted them to tell Yucko that he saw his wife getting fucked by 3 Puerto Ricans out on 9th Ave…

Howard asked Artie why he’s vomiting blood. Artie said he’s not sure and he’s not the healthiest guy right now. He said that the doctor is a guy that his bookie uses.

Howard said Artie vomited blood. Artie said it wasn’t that much blood, it was just a little bit. Howard asked him if he’s going to make the book signing tonight. Artie said he is doing that, that’s why he was going to come in today. He said he didn’t want to look like a shit head.

Howard asked Artie if he was back on anything because that’s what he claimed these sick calls would mean when he talked about them in the past. Artie said that he doesn’t get sick often and he’s the happiest he’s been in his life right now.

Howard said he doesn’t know anyone at Artie’s age who vomits. Artie said he’s done a lot of stuff in his life and he’s a mess. He said he’s scared shitless that something is going wrong. Howard asked him if he’s still going to his therapist. Artie said he sees him twice a week. Howard said he wanted to check on that. Artie said he’s still seeing him twice a week. He said he eventually told his doctor that he had tequila that one time he did. He said that the guy gets all sad when you let him down like he’s his grandfather or something.

Howard asked Artie if he’s on anything at all. Artie said that he’s not on any drugs. Artie said he had about 80 of the holiday M&Ms and then threw up after that. Then he saw the blood.

Robin asked Artie what his illness was yesterday that kept him out of work. Artie said he was nauseous and he was throwing up. There was no blood yesterday though.

Howard said that Robin was saying that Artie must be back on booze at least. Robin said that he doesn’t sound sick this morning. She thinks that he’s on something and he had to get some help for it. Artie jokingly told Howard he’ll fall for anything.

Howard said Fred thought Artie was back to drinking too. Fred said that maybe it was that and some spicy food that aggravated an ulcer or something. Fred said he doesn’t think that Artie is on drugs but he might be drinking. Artie said the truck drivers next to him were pretending to put needles in their arms so that must be their sentiment.

Greg said that he thinks Artie’s weight is the problem. He said that the book tour has been rough on him and he isn’t back on drugs or booze. He said that he’d like to see Artie in a more intensive rehab program but he really does think he might be sick. Howard said he’ll believe anything that Artie tells him.

Robin said she doesn’t even think that Artie is in traffic. She thinks he’s calling in from bed. She asked him if he’s going to be in tomorrow. Artie said he has his upper GI thing at 6 so he’ll be late. He was kidding about that.

Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Artie is full of shit. He said that he’s bullshitting around this whole thing. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and went off on Artie too. She said that something is going on with him but she can’t figure it out. She said she’d like to talk to him for a few days and figure this all out. Fred said that would make Artie use again if they did that.

Another caller said she thinks that Artie is lying and doing something. She told Artie to just admit it if he’s back to doing stuff. She said she used to get high and would lie about stuff like this too. Howard asked Artie what he thinks about that. Artie said he thinks this chick sounds hot.

Howard told Artie to honk his horn to prove he was in traffic. Artie did it but the woman on the phone didn’t believe he was driving. She said he must be in his garage doing it. Howard said he’s with Greg and he doesn’t think that Artie is on anything and he’s really sick.

Greg said he knows a guy who got sober and someone told him that if he ended to fall off the wagon he should. The guy started drinking again and hasn’t stopped. It’s been 5 years since then and the guy has lost everything.

Artie said that he’s really not on any drugs right now and he’s just feeling sick. Howard asked him to swear on his mother’s life. Artie did that but said that he’s basically an atheist so it doesn’t matter anyway. Howard told Artie he was going to wrap up the show now and he’ll talk to him tomorrow.

Yucko called in and told Artie to get his ass into the show. Artie asked him if he had his make up on yet. Yucko kept telling him to just get his ass into work.

Howard had Beetlejuice on the phone. Beet told Artie that he’s a fat fuck and said that he thinks that he’s using drugs again. Howard said that Beet has been around drugs so he would know. Howard asked Beet how he knows he’s using. He said he’s using needles. Artie thanked him for the call. Howard told Artie to come in tomorrow at the regular time. Artie said he knows that the guys are mad at him but Howard is the best boss.

Howard said he wants him to get better and maybe make the show a priority instead of books signings. Artie said he’ll do that. He said that he’s going to be taking a helicopter to the book signing. Then he said that it might be all over for him and he may have to stay on the phone while he drives to the George Washington Bridge to jump off of it. Artie said he’s making a million bucks a year doing a show where he can take off as many days as he wants, he doesn’t want to kill himself.

Howard said that if Artie had a sitcom it would be the end of him. He said that the pressure gets to him. Greg thought that it would actually be better for him. Howard and Fred didn’t think that was the case.

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Much love to Artie. After this morning I am hoping he is just sick and that he isn’t off the wagon. I think after his call, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. Poor thing though, he has a book signing in Long Island tonight, along with Best Damn Sports Show. WAHHH!

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Permalink Posted in: comedy, howard stern, sirius December 4, 2008