ANT! Not ant. ANT is one of my favorite comedians, personalities, hosts, & regulars on ‘The Howard Stern Show.’ He has stories that rival that of Artie Lange, you know, if Artie would just dabble in some tube-steak instead of the motzarelle. ANT kicks the llama’s ass, if the llamas ass was a celebrity at a fat camp (or a Fit Club). You can see ANT on Celebrity Fit Club, Best Week Ever, or just Insert name of VH1 show here. Goatse.cx eat your heart out, ANT sat down with Shabooty.com.

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Shabooty: Why do you prefer your name spelled in all caps?
ANT: I legally changed it to ANT - all caps. It’s one thing to change a last or whole name but it gets lost in stories & news pieces. Caps, capitalized - the eye gravitates to it - [it's also] marketing.

What do you think of Perez Hilton?
I don’t know him aside from reading about myself at his site. We’ve spoken on the phone & were supposed to have lunch, but didn’t get to have it. I read his site - quite interesting the way he writes on his pics - I drop my jaw and go, is that even a word? and ya look it up and it’s a real thing.

Do you have a favorite superhero?
The Wonder Twins - Zan and Jayna.
[editor: How come I haven't heard of them?]
‘Cause you’re under 40. Think Justice League of America from Planet Wonder… Twin powers activate - they take physical form/shape of something - it was educational too!

F - Marry - Kill (You have to F- one, Marry one, and Kill one): Howard Stern, Artie Lange, & Fred Norris.
Fuck Howard, Marry Artie, and Kill Fred - I’m convinced I can still save Artie.

Do any slurs or names offend you?
No - faggot or queer… that’s the best you got? I’ve heard that all of my life. Now saying Madonna cant sing…

[editor's note: Ant & I both got our jollies off on the smartness of this question]
How the hell do those big-ass jumbo sized scales on Celebrity Fit Club work? Is that just for ’show’ and not an accurate scale?
Obviously - they’re ten times the size of a real scale. It’ a scale - not a real scale.
Dumb question.

Do you get mixed up with Mario Cantone a lot?
Omg - so much. I used to hate it, now I use it to my advantage. I’ll get hit on & if I were to have sex with them, even if i suck in bed, I don’t get the blame - I’m usually not good in bed. There’s some guy in Ohio right now going around saying that Mario Cantone sucks in bed and is a bad lay.
Do people say - ‘Hey I recognize you from the Chappelle Show?‘
Only in New York.

Did you ever have the fork in the road of going into ‘music or comedy’?
[My fork in the road was] deciding between eating or not eating - I decided to not eat & to peruse this [comedy]. Margaret Cho & I, we were phone sex operators - Jamie Kennedy slept on the floor - whatever it took to eat. I even sold vibrators once at parties & I’ve never even used one.

At this point, ANT started freestyling some comedy as he checked out my blog.

“The OhMiBod? It should have some extra h’s in there –OHHHH Mi Bod - I have to masturbate / vibrate and catch up on Madonna’s latest Hard Candy album. This thing’s shitty if you’re listening to classical, you’ll never get off… or what if you only listen to spoken word?”

As far as my ‘10 Funny Things In Porn‘ post, ANT told me of the time he was watching a porno video from Titan Video. There’s a scene where a guy’s getting plowed and he’s got on an ankle bracelet! How does that court proceeding go? You get work release with ankle bracelet - to get fucked up the ass (your honor).

What’s your favorite musical?
Wicked.

What do you dislike most about women?
They marry guys - take em out of the market place.

Are you afraid of the big one? No, not a well-endowed man, the next big earthquake?
When it’s my time, it’s my time.
When I was in my house, if an earthquake hit and you just run out to backyard. Here, where I’m at now [Apt/Condo], you run to front door and you’re still inside, in a hall way, way up. Shit… going and going, fuck. [The recent one] scared the bejesus out of me. I was scared.

Who’re your favorite comedians & inspirations in comedy?
Lenny Bruce, Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Bill Cosby, [Some up and coming] Boston comics are friggin’ hilarious, Dennis Leary, Oscar the Grouch (not kidding).

Are there Kraft food services at VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club?
Yes! Two of them. One for Contestants: carrot sticks, celery, water, poweraide.
And one for the crew and the rest of us: sour creme, nachos, steak, ice cream sundaes… They tormented the contestants and had them walk by our kraft services [editor: Did the contestants sneak food from your table?] Snuck ‘em, sure - it’s a contest, go ahead and sneak it.

What’s your favorite food?
Pizza.

Did you become close with Jeff Conway?
No - crazy person? He’s crazy battling addition and doesn’t know where to go - I used to think it was funny, now I’m worried. Anytime I hear a celebrity dying, I cross my fingers and hope it’s not him. It’s about life and getting sober, you can’t get rehab for 30 days for the type of issues he has - gotta commit to something long term for him or it’ll be bad.

Who’s your favorite panelist of ‘help’ on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club?
I’m closest to Harvey (the drill-instructor), he has my back.

You’re into poker, have you been to the Borgata in Atlantic City yet?
Oh yeah, I’ve performed at the Borgata. I have markers at every casino/hotel -[I tell 'em to] hold the check and give me what’s left after I gamble. More so than not, I’ve broken even.

How do you recommend somebody break into the comedy game?
Why? First do you think you’re funny? Is it because your mom thinks you’re funny or you? If you, then continue… Get on open mics, and start writing material - what YOU think is funny, not what others think is funny, and don’t quit - the difference between me and everyone else is that I didn’t quit, that’s the only difference - do not quit!

Which city has the best ‘comedy scene’?
San Fransisco is the funnest -1st, LA -2nd, Boston -3rd, NYC -4th, Houston -5th.

In the hip-hop scene there’s this thing now where if you say something remotely gay, you say ‘no homo’ immediately after. Are you offended by that?
Personally, I’m not offended by that - more you can put us out there the better it is - [go head and] put no homo at end of a sentence - do it, I found myself doing it sometimes - I also say, “no breeder.”

So, have you hooked up with any celebrities lately?
Thank God for the Hollywood closet…

I have to say the homeless guy story [Comedian Ant Visits. 06/15/06. 10:10am] on The Stern Show was one of the funniest.
Get this, I was doing Loveline and he [the homeless guy] called into Loveline to tell Dr. Drew I was his “bottom.” I didn’t know how to take that! Bottom as in? Worst point of his life - or was my ‘bottom’ and I was his ‘bottom’? Hilarious.

When’s the next time you’re going to be on The Stern Show?
Next time I’m in NY - call and show up.

What projects are coming up?
I’m shooting a feature film (lead), called Sister Mary - starts shooing in Chicago & Detroit, the end of August, beginning of September - to be released in 2009.
Season 7 of Vh1’s Celebrity Fit Club looks good for being picked up.
I’m also touring.
Check out Antcomic.com for show dates - updated regularly.

Thanks, ANT!
-Shabooty